The Struggle is Real

I sat in my car as the tears rolled down my face, feeling the crushing blow from the words I had never heard before... "You have had a miscarriage." I waited to feel until I was away from people who didn't know me or my story. I waited to find the quiet place to share my heart with the One who has been with me in every disappointment and hurt. My quiet place ended up being my car, in the parking lot of the doctor's office. I cried. A deep cry.

Christmas Eve was when we found out we were pregnant.  I was shocked, a little overwhelmed but excited all at the same time. We began praying for this baby and asking the Lord to prepare us for this new little addition to our family. My husband was laying hands on my belly and talking to it with the expectation our little one could hear him.

Now... the weight of a hope deferred has hit. My car felt safe. I called my husband who I knew would feel the disappointment deeply. He was at another doctor's office with our little girl who was sick. I called him crying and he knew. It wasn't his time to process his feelings in front of our little girl at the doctor's office while on the phone with me. I chose to go into work for a few to try to distract myself. It was difficult. I ended up leaving early.

When I got home I was reminded of a blog post I had just written about having hope for 2016. Ummmm, God? This doesn't seem to fit under that umbrella. I remember hearing a quiet voice in my heart reminding me of the nature of God.

He is good.
He is redeemer.
He restores.
He resurrects.

Here it is, here is how we as believers handle pain... we feel, we wrestle with the feelings, we wrestle with God, we question and then, then we do what we should do best... we believe. When we invest in our relationship with God and pursue an understanding of who He is through scripture, prayer and worship then we understand we are only able to see the smallest part of the biggest picture, an eternal picture that is painted by a magnificent Heavenly Father. Too often we attach pain and disappointment to God but if we read scripture we see a beautiful story of redemption and the glorious love of our God.

Yes the pain of struggle and disappointment are very real. We learned that in 2012 when our son, at 12 years old, was hit by a car riding his bike and is now limited to a wheelchair due to traumatic brain injury. However, we have seen God's goodness over and over again in the midst of our pain and our son's pain. God has touched lives and transformed them because those people have seen a family who chooses to believe in the redemptive nature of God.  Do we land there immediately every time? No. Nevertheless, we are so glad God's goodness and redemption isn't dependent upon our initial reaction. 

Here's the deal, what should separate believers from the world is hope in the redemptive nature of God. You see, as believers we don't live in defeat. Why? Because we know the end. Our end is eternity in heaven. We get to live from a place of victory. So every situation we face we know that we know that we know our eternity is secured in Christ!

Listen, we are human and in our humanity we are created to feel. We are going to feel the pain and disappointment this world throws at us but we need to remain in Jesus.  He is for us and with us when we face struggles.

Look at these verses:

Romans 8
³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ³⁶ (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

The struggle is real but we have an eternal hope. A hope that shouldn't be shaken. We get to live knowing the end! Isn't that amazing? Come on believers, let's feel and question and then let's believe!

3 Ways to Approach 2016 with Hope

It was several weeks back, while my husband and I  were on a cruise with several of our friends, the table question at dinner that night was, “What do you expect God to do for your family in 2016?”

It took several seconds before one of the four couples began to share what they are asking God for in 2016. My husband and I listened, intently, but to be honest I couldn’t come up with the words because this past year had been a difficult one for us. We had faced struggles which were emotionally draining and the cruise was a reset for us.

What does 2016 hold for us?

My husband finally chimed in to share what he expects in 2016 and what he said was exactly what I needed to hear. He looked at the table and said how challenging this past year had been for us. Oh yes, we have had “more” difficult years but this one in particular, 2015, had just been a consistent drain on our family.  It felt like one thing after the other had happened.

He shared words like: distracting, weariness, emotional, etc…

Then he said what he expected in 2016. That’s when my strong husband got teary-eyed and said he believed 2016 was going to be a year of breakthrough for our family. He said it with such confidence, even through tears; his hope released a lump in my throat I didn’t know was there. I couldn’t even look up because the tears flowed. I did an insecure laugh as I kept my head down and thought of this past year. It hadn’t been the easiest of years but let’s be real, it hasn’t been easy for a few years.  Yet, something is stirring. My husband’s words watered the seed of hope that was lying on the dry ground of my heart.  

There was an expectation shift.  What’s next for us?  Breakthrough.

My husband continued to say he believed God was not only going to redeem the struggles but God was going push open doors for our family we didn’t even know were there.

I brushed my hand over my husband’s back and could feel the resolve in him…. 2016, our year of breakthrough.

Let me ask you something, have the last few years been difficult? Have you wondered what God was up to?

I want to give you some hope. I don’t know what’s ahead for you but I want you to do these three things in this next year:

1. Be attentive to the voice of the Lord. As you read the Bible, as you pray, as you listen to your pastor or a friend, or as you listen to a worship song or hymn…  Be attentive to what the Lord is speaking to you and hold onto those words. Sometimes, all it takes is one moment and one word from the Lord to bring hope, peace and faith.

2. Believe in the Character of God. Holdfast to the truth the Lord is the Great Redeemer. No matter what you have faced or what you will face the Lord will redeem it because that is Who He is. We may be surprised at how he redeems the struggle but stand ready for his redemption. Expect it because it is His nature to redeem.

3. Find your security in Him.  There are so many things that can rock your security but you must remind yourself He is the Rock that is Higher than you. He stands beside you like a Great Warrior! He is your defender! Believe in His might and power and find your security in Him.

I pray you have hope in the God who breaks through the disappointments, struggles, pain, and heartache to give you love and purpose for your future. Be attentive to the Lord, Believe in Him and Find your security in Him. He never fails you and He has not forsaken you. He is with you and for you!

The Great Commission in the Slums of Africa

We met a man named Moses. He was quiet and humble but at the same time he was compelling and intimidating. When he spoke, he spoke with authority and his words were full of God's Word. We were all eager to get to know him because we knew he had a story. We could see it in His eyes. 

He wasn't eager to share with us his life story but we were forewarned that Ugandans are not ones who like to offer much information about themselves. It's a trait I'd like to bring back with me to the United States

On the first full day in Uganda we separated from Moses and travelled with some of the other Sports Outreach staff.  We went to several places within the slums of Kampala, Uganda. We stopped at a tiny house in the slums and walked in. The first room had children sitting on their knees while writing on their paper. We could see a teacher in the next room ask a group of kids sitting on the floor to spell CAT. The response was a loud, "C-A-T." Behind her was another group of kids sitting in circle with an older child who was holding up legos of different colors. The whole circle would say the color at the same time. 

We continued to walk into another room where small desks lined the outside wall. Two children sat at each table and they were quietly writing as a teacher walked behind each of them to assist them in spelling. This is the "catch-up" room for kids who haven't yet been to school. That's when we were told the story about this school.

You see, this place, this "school", used to be Moses' home in the slums. He was working as a soccer coach when one day he saw a young boy who came to the practices. This young boy would never go home after practice. Moses asked the young boy why he didn't go home and the young boy told him he had no home. Both of his parents had died. Moses took the boy home to his house in the slums and made a bed for the him to sleep. 

Later, Moses was reading his Bible and he read James 2:14-26. He became challenged by the words "faith without works is dead." The Lord stirred in his heart to begin to take into his home more children who were abandoned on the streets of the slums.   Moses ended up taking in other kids and into his one room home. He shared what he was doing with Sports Outreach which helped him buy another room for more children.

He discipled every child he brought into his home. Many of them accepted Christ as their savior and have gone on to get an education. Today, this building is used as a school during the day and a home for several people at night. They are training up a generation of young people to love Jesus and value an education.

What amazes me about this man and all of the staff and coaches at Sports Outreach is their commitment to the Gospel. EVERYTHING they do revolves around the Great Commission. They have no intention of making a name for themselves. They move when they see an opportunity to share the Gospel. Their selfless obedience to the Word of God is genuine and inspiring.

Moses is one of many men and women we have met in Uganda who have sacrificed their own comfort for the sake of the Gospel. Nothing matters more to them than seeing Jesus name lifted high. My life will forever be changed because of Moses.

Matthew 28:17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

All Up in My Space

God and I have this thing between us... I get to be honest with Him about how I'm feeling even if it's not pretty, then, without me realizing it, He sneaks right into the middle of the situation with His warmth, kindness and goodness. I don't understand how He's done it but my heart begins to soften from His love.

He just loves me even in the midst of all the ugly feelings. His love gets all up in my space and I can't run from it even though I think I want to.

I want to remind Him how angry I am at Him and blast Him with questions like "why?" and "where were you when...?"

I want Him to get angry at me so then I have the right to be angry. I want Him to yell at me so that I then have the right to yell at Him. I want Him to say horrible things about me so that I have the right to say those same things back to Him.

But what does He do?

He lets me ask any question I want. He lets me be angry. He lets me try to push Him away. He lets me cry while He listens.

I was pulling weeds in my yard this past weekend doing this very thing while listening to worship music. Oh the irony.

"Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. It is well with me." The words vibrate through my headphones as I pull a weed. Tears fall.

"This mountain that's in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You." 

His warmth wraps itself around my hard heart and begins to melt me. Another weed pulled. The tears are no longer anger but like a child being comforted by her father, my hurt leans into His strength and I cry. His strength strengthens me. His love gives me hope. There are no words that I could hear but I remember something that becomes my truth in that moment... He hasn't left me. He understands the pain. He sees a bigger picture. He allows me to be human because He created me to be and yet, He gives me a supernatural strength and peace that only comes from His great love. This is what unconditional feels like. This is what unconditional looks like. I don't have to be perfect. I can express the hurt and He just loves. He is merciful. He is gracious.

He never let's me stay in that dark place because, in all honesty, I don't want to stay there. It may feel justified for a moment but He knows I need Him to get all up in my space and invade the discouragement and disappointment with His truth.

Something is pulled out of my heart and is filled with the truth of who God is. The moment those murky and muddy feelings wanted to entangle me, Love wouldn't let them.

My words become praise to Him. I thank Him for His love. I thank Him for His goodness. I can't stop them. They just roll out of my mouth just like the tears roll down my cheeks.

I can't explain to anyone how real He is to me but I will try. His love. His words. His truth. They bring life to the parts of me that feel as though they are dying. He resurrects hope and gives me His thoughts. They aren't the answers to an easy life but they are the answers that point to an abundant Heavenly Father.

His love is abundant! His grace is abundant! His faithfulness is abundant!

He just gets all up in my space. And... it never gets old.

A side note: all the weeds got pulled out of the jungle that had grown on the side of my house.

You are loved by an abundant God who is relentless in His pursuit of you!

Let me encourage you today to go to God and vent. Let Him get all up in your space.

Verses to dwell on:

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. Psalm 28:7

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Eph. 6:10

I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD; I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only. Psalm 71:16

It's Tough, Ya'll

I walked into my house after working out last night and the movie Annie was on the television. My husband and I were laughing with the kids about how the main character started dancing and singing and then everyone who was around them all knew the dance moves. We laughed for a moment and started telling the kids how funny it would be if life was really like that with people jumping in knowing the same dance moves and singing the same songs. Then my mind went to a thought, "I wish Elisha could get up and dance with me." It was like cold water was thrown in my face. Why can't my little boy, created in the image of God, a precious miracle, stand up and dance and sing with me? Yep, I went there quickly. What in the world? We were just laughing and having a grand old time. The suddenness of the moment was painful. I cried. The feelings of disappointment, fear, and doubt filled my mind. I had no strength to pull myself out so I settled in and allowed the tears. My husband walked over and put his arms around me. He asked what was wrong. I told him, unashamedly, I was broken. Aren't I supposed to be beyond this kind of pain, it's been 2 and a half years? He squeezed me a little tighter and said, "I know this is hard." We were hugging while I was on the floor. Then he sat back and looked at me with confidence, a slight smile was on his face, he looked in the direction of Elisha and said, "We are going to be dancing together, right Elisha?" And Nate, in all of his rhythm as a drummer, began to do some crazy,awkward, nonrhythmic dance moves. He literally looked like he was convulsing. Elisha began to laugh and laugh so hard that he could barely breathe. I smiled even with tears rolling down my cheeks. I could see the goodness of God in this moment of brokenness. My precious little miracle who was hit by a car, bleeding to death in the road, unresponsive and in a coma for month, who lived in a hospital for over four months, and came home on 15 medications, is now sitting there laughing hysterically at my husband's inability to dance.

The pain I was feeling was still there but it now wasn't conquering me. I had the right to cry. It was okay to feel. Too often I want to shut down the pain but that's not how it works. Pain deserves a voice. It needs a voice.

"This hurts!"

My pain had to get out.

"It's not fair."

"This wasn't supposed to be the plan God. This wasn't what my life was supposed to look like."

Then the joy of my home, the laughter of my little miracle man, the warmth and confidence of my husband, the smile of my oldest and the purity of my youngest all covered the pain with a louder truth... God is good! He is just good. He is doing something powerful and I get to watch Him do it. Yes, He demonstrated His love by dying on the cross and conquering death, but He continues to demonstrate His love by turning this tragedy into something amazing!

It's tough, ya'll. There is no lie in saying that but in Christ there's hope. He always turns the bad stuff to something good. It's just His nature. He's good. I heard someone say the other day, "If it's not good then it's not done." We have to get to a place, even in the disappointment of life, where we believe in the unfailing character of God. He always wins! It's never too difficult with Him. His grace is sufficient! His power is unstoppable! His love is unchanging and everlasting! He is faithful! He is good!

One Night In Bangkok - A Journal Entry

December 12, 2014

Our flight landed in Bangkok after 19 hours of flying. We grabbed a cab and told the cab driver our address. He spoke in broken English about the part of town we were going to have to drive through to get to our hotel. Our fearless leader Jo said, "Yes. We know."

We had our first experience as a team driving through downtown Bangkok. There were girls up and down the streets dressed in short, tight skirts. They were trying to reveal as much of their skin as possible without showing everything. The roads we drove down were narrow and every turn we made looked the same with women standing close to the curb or leaning up against a building trying to entice.

It was midnight in Bangkok and it was wide awake. People were dancing in bars, the street vendors were still out, and men, many of them white men, were walking the streets with bloodshot eyes. You could feel the lust. It was dark. It was heavy. We passed a vendor selling stuffed animals. I remember distinctly seeing a large pink teddy bear. Oh, the irony. Our cab driver slowed to allow a beautiful girl to walk across the street. He pointed and said, "Ladyboy." Then he laughed. I couldn't speak. 

Every girl we saw had a smile on her face. It was a forced smile. There was a tall white man leaning against a telephone pole looking down at a young Asian girl with a jeer as he looked her up and down. 

I didn't feel like I could cry. I wasn't angry. I was taking it all in and asking the Lord, what am I supposed to do on this trip? What am I supposed to see? I was quiet and prayerful in the cab all the way to the hotel. 

We finally got to our hotel, the place I hoped would be "safe" from all we had seen. Three white men who spoke a different language were standing to the side as we entered through the doors.  We approached the front desk to check in and the sound of the elevator caught my attention. A tiny, beautifully dressed Asian girl stepped out of the elevator. Her hair was curled perfectly. One of the three men, the one that looked the oldest, put his arm around her waist when she walked over to him. He had just paid her for her services.

This was only one night, my first night, in Bangkok and I have several more to go.

The strongholds in this place are intense, yet... Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.

I Was Flipped Off The Other Day

I was turning left at a busy intersection the other day. I waited till, I thought, it was my time to go. I went and immediately got into the lane all the way to the right so I could then make a right hand turn. I looked back and saw a car with one of his passengers giving me a one finger gesture that certainly wasn't to tell me I was number one. I remember allowing myself the three seconds to take in the whole picture. This guy giving me the gesture wasn't the driver, he wasn't the front seat passenger, he actually was sitting in the backseat of the car with his body halfway hanging out the window with his hand up and he was mouthing exactly what the finger meant. Our cars went in opposite directions at that moment and I began to think about what in the world I had done. I then started laughing. I know, I should be a little bit more serious about what had just happened. However, I couldn't stop laughing as I thought about the backseat passenger, literally, hanging out the backseat window.

It was funny because I recalled a moment over the weekend when I had a short fuse with my oldest son. He interrupted me while I was reading a sad news story. He caught me so off guard that I shut him down with an abrupt and a loud NO! Both my husband and son started laughing at me. It was such a funny moment because I had no reason to be so short and abrupt with him. I just yelled because it wasn't a convenient moment or really a convenient week. I was thankful both my husband and son started laughing because it brought perspective. What in the world would cause me to be so short?

Listen, I am tired. I am involved in a lot in this season of my life. I have kids. My husband and I were given some bad news that our son has to have another major surgery. There are other things we are battling privately. And the list goes on...

Here's the deal: you and I could take an inventory of all the difficult things we are facing right now and we could commiserate together with how hard, how unfair, how sad our lives might be and then we could project those sad and angry feelings on those closest to us or onto the person driving the car next to us...

Or...

You and I could be honest with what is difficult in life and then make a list of all of the great and amazing things the Lord has done in our lives! We could let go of the anger and let go of the feeling of how unfair life is. We could change the path of our thoughts and choose to focus on how wonderful the gifts we have been given are! We could give grace because we have been given grace. You and I could be slow to anger. We could show kindness when it's not deserved. Too many times we are waiting for someone else to do that for us. While we are waiting for our husbands, our wives, our neighbors, our co-workers, and the driver next to us to show us grace and compassion, let's step out and do it ourselves for others.

This going to sound very preachy but let me speak truth: God in all of His goodness and grace, which is undeserved, showed His great love towards you and me by sending His only Son to die on our behalf. He took upon himself the pain, the brokenness, the hurt, the abandonment, the anger, He knew we would face and He said we don't have to bear the struggle in our own strength. We don't have to carry the difficulties of life by ourselves, we can give them to Jesus because that is why He died. He died so you and I could have life and life more abundantly. He promised us a life of freedom in Christ! A life full of His love even in the midst of great battles. Life is not easy but we can do this, we can walk this path because we are not alone when we are in Christ.

As I write this, I have tears in my eyes for you because I know how difficult life can be. I know it is hard. But you need to know there is some One who wants to walk with you, to cheer you on, and to hold you up. You are not lost in this battle. God is greater than this battle and when you believe in what Jesus did and accept His gift then He fills you with His strength, His endurance, His love! All you have to do is believe He is with you, He is for you, and believe you can do this in Him.

That guy that flipped me off could be facing the most difficult season of his life or maybe it's just what he does, hang out of windows flipping people off, but no matter why he did it, I know that I want to give grace because I know I need grace. What he did caused me to look at myself and say why do I lash out in anger? Why are there moments when I don't have self-control? Well, it's because I allow the challenges of life to be my focus. It's easy to fall into the darkness of our circumstances and to allow the emotion, the fear, the anger to dictate how you and I treat others but it's time for us to live in Christ and in His love.

This life isn't about perfection but recognizing our weaknesses and living in the strength of Christ in us.

PSA: Let's try not to flip others off while driving. :)

I Just Can't.

You know what it's like to know the truth but not always apply the truth. You know what it's like to feel overwhelmed, discouraged, and tired. You know what it's like when those three words, the words you promised yourself you wouldn't utter,  run through your brain. "I. Just. Can't."

I can't walk this road.

I can't stand up.

I can't love.

I can't control my emotions.

I can't do what God has called me to do.

I just can't.

Then you park yourself in those words. They lay like a heavy blanket over your shoulders.

The words, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," come to mind. You know that verse well. You like to quote it to others when they are struggling. You quote the verse to yourself, however, you put the emphasis on the "I" versus the "through Christ." The burden weighs heavy again. It becomes the mantra you believe "I can do. I can do. I can do." Yet, you know you can't.

You can't do anything in your own strength for too long without buckling under your own weakness. There is no way you "can do" it all apart from Christ. Where you need to park yourself is in Christ. You should rest in the truth of Philippians 4:13. You can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens you.

The Amplified Version says it like this: "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who [a]infuses inner strength into me; I am [b]self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency]." Phil. 4:13 (with emphasis).

When you understand, truly understand, you are IN CHRIST, IN HIS POWER, IN HIS LOVE, IN HIS GOODNESS, IN HIS STRENGTH then it's okay to say, "I can't... BUT I don't stand in my own strength. I stand in CHRIST."

What a revelation! You are in Christ's strength. He is infusing you with strength to be "ready for anything and equal to anything through Him." It's not longer about what you can do but what He will do in you. It's no longer about your strength but His.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."





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I Got A Tattoo

I had been contemplating getting a tattoo for months: should I or shouldn't I? I wanted to have a permanent reminder of God's goodness. He had been so good to me. It's no lie when I say His goodness has overtaken me during seasons of my life. I began to evaluate my life and I remembered specific moments when God was evidently moving in my life and on my behalf. You see, my son was hit by a car in 2012 and survived with a traumatic brain injury. Throughout his healing and rehab we have continued to see the Presence and Power of God in His body and in our lives. 

God is relentless. 

In 2011, after having gone through a divorce years before, the Lord brought the most amazing and loving man into my life who I married. A man who lays his life down for me and our children daily. 

God is relentless. 

2009 I battled with my identity feeling as if God could never use someone like me to minister because I was unqualified. I thought of myself as a divorced woman and was even told that by others. I felt abandoned and rejected. However, through the heartache and the hurt the Holy Spirit revealed to me who I really am IN Christ. I am His daughter, loved by a loving, relentless Heavenly Father. 

In 2002, a precious lady became a mentor of mine and taught me the importance of prayer. She didn't teach me just any kind of prayer but the kind of prayer that moves mountains. I began to love the Lord in ways I never had before because now prayer wasn't just me telling God what I needed or wanted but it became communion with Him. 

God is relentless in His pursuit. 

In 1999 and 2000 the Lord blessed my life with two of the most amazing babies. They were and are such gifts. God gave those babies to me to show me His unconditional love. He is relentless. 

In 1993, I had a nervous breakdown. I felt alone and scared. I had been living a life desiring others approval. It had been my ambition and I finally couldn't stand under the weight of never measuring up. God revealed to me I didn't have to do anything to be loved by Him. He loved me. He was relentless in demonstrating His love for me. It was the beginning of delving into how to stand in His love. 

God is relentless. 

In 1991 I chose to be baptized. The same year I experienced the Power of the Holy Spirit in ways that were tangible. I began to love the Word of God. I started journalling and memorizing scripture. I used to plug my headphones into my stereo system and listen to Amy Grant, Petra and Michael W.Smith over and over again. 

My life is evidence of God's relentless pursuit, relentless love, and relentless power. What tattoo should I get? Well of course... a relentless tattoo. I wanted to raise a monument in my life to remind myself and share with the others God is relentless. It wasn't just a tattoo for me but raising a monument to God's faithfulness, goodness and love. 

1 Samuel 7  12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer,[b] saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”



Joshua 4
4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”



So, I got a tattoo, a monument, a permanent reminder, a story-starter, and a testimony on my body. Relentless. The word that represents my journey with the Lord. 

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#tattoo #Jesus #relentless #faith

I'm Undone

What's ahead? 

What are you up to God?

What do I need to do? 

The questions seem to swirl in my mind as I try to pray. This minute, I'm burdened with what I have to do. The next words are breathed from my lips, "I love you Lord. I trust you and I will rest in Your Presence." Those words muffle the questions even though I can feel the questions hovering. This is it, my training ground. Speaking Truth. Waiting. Resting. Trusting. Enduring. I tell myself peace and rest are promised to me. Jesus was punished for my peace (Isaiah 53:5). 

Don't I do this every day? 

I'm tired but I wait.

Then it happens... everything silences. I feel the tears hit my hands as my head is bowed and the room I'm in is filled with the Presence of the Lord. 

He showed up for me. 

He didn't show up because I was good, He showed up because He is good. He saw my heart. He saw my need. He saw my desperation. He saw me. 

"Trust me," my heart hears Him say and I feel His smile. "I trust you, Lord." I can't move. I can't open my eyes. Another, "Trust me," again I feel His smile, full of kindness, full of assurance, full of peace. I'm undone. The tears flow. I wasn't thinking about repentance but it happens automatically. His love draws it from me. I hold on too much. I try to control. My heart knows to let go but my mind has been gripping on to the questions. I want to hold on to the questions.

"Trust me."

I'm surrounded by Him. I'm surrounded by His goodness. It's peaceful and the confusion subsides. The questions stop. 

I believe Him. My thoughts believe Him. It's His perfect peace because my mind is now on Him (Isaiah 26:3). 

I'm in love. I'm in His love. Soaking. I'm transformed by Him. 

I'm completely undone. 

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I'm Not A Proverbs 31 Woman

When I consider who the Proverbs 31 woman is an idea of that woman comes to mind. I think she has the perfect house, her kids' hair is always combed, her children behave in public and never throw temper tantrums. This Proverbs 31 woman has dinner ready for her husband when he gets home from work and her house is spotless. She's all over Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter with her amazingly creative ideas and pictures of events I only wish I had the talent to create.

After I read Proverbs 31 two things seem to happen: the first is I get inspired. I think to myself, "I can be her. I can get it all together." She's a good business woman, her home is perfect, she can sew, she is a philanthropist, her children call her #blessed, she gets up while it's dark and gets her house in order... I can do that. I can work hard enough to become her. I can change who I am and become her. Then that one morning comes when I hit the snooze too many times and I get up frantic waking up the kids 5 minutes before they have to be at school.

Fail.

Then it's too late to make the kids breakfast so I throw some unhealthy, sugary pastry at them.

Fail.

I don't have time to put the breakfast dishes in the dish washer.

Fail.

To be honest, I hate doing the dishes.

Fail.

The second thing happens: I realize I can't measure up to her, Miss Proverbs 31. I can't work hard enough to become her. I don't want to be her.

Yep, I said it. Oh, the sacrilege!

Please hear me out. I'm not saying the Proverbs 31 woman isn't an amazing woman. I'm saying, I don't believe the Lord wants us to be burdened to be exactly like her. However, she sure is an inspiration.

I think too many Christians and ministries have used Proverbs 31 as their magazine cover of the ideal woman. They have unintentionally or maybe intentionally said, "This is who you have to be. You must be this beautiful, organized, talented and creative woman." Could you imagine if we were all the Proverbs 31 woman? The movie Stepford Wives comes to mind.

Let me speak some truth to us women. Jesus died perfect knowing we would never be perfect. It's He who is perfect. Jesus doesn't want us to be like Proverbs 31. He wants us to be free in Him, resting in the truth of who He is in us. You see, Jesus' yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). He threw away the measuring stick when He died on the cross while we were still hot messes. He knows everything we have done and everything we will do and yet He still died for us. He so loves us! He loves us exactly who we are today. He won't love us more when we become the Proverbs 31 woman. As a matter of fact, I believe He wants us free from the burden of trying to measure up. Our identity shouldn't be in  Proverbs 31 but in Christ alone.

We have to remind ourselves:
We are God's daughters. Galatians 3:26
We are saved by grace not by our works or how perfect we are. Ephesians 2:8-9
We are created in the image of God. Genesis 1:26-27
We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
We are loved exactly the way we are. I John 4

Listen, we should be inspired by the Proverbs 31 woman. She's amazing! I'm proud to know her life story. I'm thankful for her influence in my life but I don't want to be her. I want to be who I am in Christ and I want the same for you!

This Extraordinarily Unfair, Challenging, Amazing Life

I had a moment today. You know, one of those moments when the tears come from no where but bring up everything. Yea, you know what I am talking about. That moment when life just feels too hard and the question "why" drowns out hope. Ugh!

How in the world could we go from planning a family fun night to hearing the words, "Your child was hit by a car"? It makes no sense. How does life change in a matter of minutes? How does joy turn to grief so quickly? 

I'm not supposed to be waking up everyday thinking about feeding tubes, wheelchairs, leg braces, and therapy. I'm supposed to be sitting around the breakfast table talking with my family about what we are doing after school. Is there lacrosse practice? What time do piano lessons start? 

A simpler life. An easier life. 

God could hear my thoughts and see my tears. I know He did. I know I'm not alone in this. I know that to my core. But... I miss my little boy's voice. I want to hear him say to me, "Mom, I'm hungry." Instead I have to pour his Kids Essentials into his feeding bag and set the machine to feed him. I have to remember to give him his medicine every morning. I need to make sure he is getting enough water throughout the day because he can't say to me, "Momma, I'm thirsty."

Is that fair?

  

 This is what our life is like.

I cried several tears and then I heard my little miracle in the other room giggling at something he was watching on TV. His laugh made me smile.  I walked up to his chair and said, "Do you love momma?" He turned his face toward me and smiled a smile that I could see in his eyes. He opened his mouth to try to say something and a soft sound came out. I said back to him, "I love you too, baby."

I forgot in a moment all of God's promises.  I forgot in a moment the transformation that has taken place in my little miracle man. I forgot his joy. I forgot how he has baffled science with his healing. I forgot God's goodness. I forgot the laughter we had as a family as we sang, "Shake it, don't break it, it took your momma nine months to make it." Our miracle couldn't breath he was laughing so hard as I danced around the room.

The moments are going to happen. The tears are going to come. The grief and the questions are going to rise up. 

Then the most amazing thing happens...

The Holy Spirit whispers tenderly, "Come to me. Rest in me. Find joy in me." Love wraps itself around the grief and hope comes.

Life is unfair. It is. It's uncomfortable. It hurts at times. However, the unfairness and challenges are there to push us to a place of surrender. A place where we have to let go of the control, the questions, and just curl up in the arms of an amazing Heavenly Father who loves us beyond our understanding. Who saturates us with peace and fills us with incomprehensible joy. He gives us the grace to stand when we can't stand anymore.  

This is an extraordinarily unfair, challenging, amazing life.

Grace, Grace and More Grace

I find it interesting how the week of Easter, the week we celebrate the greatest demonstration of grace in Jesus' death, burial and resurrection, became a week when I needed a lot of grace.

I provide for my family in ways my husband can't right now just like he provides for our family in ways that I can't. So here's what happened: I had pretty bad hit in my job this week. It really rocked me even though God's provision in our lives has been exceedingly abundant. I've seen God bless my job in ways that I truly don't deserve... grace. I've seen God connect me with people I never thought I'd ever get the chance to meet. It's mind-blowing! Yet, I know where it all comes from... it's just God's grace.  It's unmerited. Undeserved. Unearned.

As I look back at this week, I can see moments when I failed in resting in the promise of God's grace.  Unbelievable right? Yep, I am human. I was wounded and carried that wound around like a badge for a few days. Have any of you thought to yourself, "I didn't deserve that"? That's what I thought.

I just taught a few weeks ago on not focusing on the unfairness of life but on the goodness of God. I preached that at a conference. I think I even made that my Facebook status one day, "don't allow the circumstances of life to speak louder than the truth of the Gospel." Ummm... that's my own quote.

I didn't do a very good job with that this week.

Let me just say this: There's hope people... there's so much hope...

No matter what we fail at, what circumstances get thrown into our lives, there is something great going to come of it. How do I know that? Well, here's God's promise:

 Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

When God says "all" He means "all".  Not just some things but in ALL things God works for good. Not because we are good but because He is good. He doesn't work it out because we are perfect; He works it out because He is perfect and He is gracious. All we have to do is love Him. That's it. Love Him and His grace gets poured all over us.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Ahhh, so much freedom in this passage. His grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in weakness. Whew!! Come on ya'll... we think we have to do it right every time and what God is saying is He knows we aren't going to do it right every time. Are you surprised? We. Aren't. Perfect. Someone reading this just got set free. 

We must believe when God says He is going to work it all out that He is. We have to believe the Great Redeemer is going to redeem the mess we make and the trials we face. 

Its everyone's battle... Believing God's truth or not believe His truth.  It was my battle this week. Is God going to redeem this?  YES!!! Why? Because He is so good, so loving, so gracious and man, does He love His kids!   

Love in the Flesh

Every time He heard the soldier draw back the whip He braced for the pain. Then He felt the tearing of His skin. Those who watched jeered and mocked him. Taunting Him. 

"King of the Jews!" 

It happened again. Then again. And again. Bracing, tearing, mocking... Pain unimaginable. 

Rejected by the people He loved. If only these soldiers laughing at him, the one swinging the whip, those excited to see His pain, knew why He did this, it was for them. Love in the flesh.

Love held Him up. Love was Him. Love when He was rejected. Love when those who laughed at this innocent man took on their justice. Love in the flesh.  

Thorns pierced his brow. Blood trickled into His eyes. Yet, love remained. Nothing changed about this man. He was love. 

"Carry the Cross!" they yelled.

His endurance was waning but this was His destiny... holding onto His cross, their cross, carrying the wood He would soon be nailed to... Done out of love. God made man. Love in the flesh.

His love was unstoppable. 

He made it to Calvary, The Place of the Skull, the place of love. 

Love... Nail... Love... Nail... Love... Nail... Love!

"Father, forgive them!"

Love.

Up on the cross as He tried to breath. He was forsaken. Rejected by man and God. Alone. Love in the flesh. 

It was finished. Justice. Their justice, He bore it in love.

One last breath. 

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Guest Blog post from Relentless Love Table Leader Caitlin Candler

I Have Been The Donkey by Caitlin Candler

I have no idea who to give credit to for this story, but I wanted to share it with all of you.  One day, a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried for hours as the farmer pondered what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

The farmer invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly – the whole world seemed to be against him. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.  As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

This story hits home for me in a myriad of ways. 

First, it clearly demonstrates to me what Robin shared with us about the tendency for all of us to fall “into the pit” at different times of our lives.  Second, it demonstrates the power of the enemy to convince us that there is no way out of the situation we’re in. Maybe someone close to us has hurt us or let us down.  Maybe we feel that we just don’t measure up in our marriages, in our jobs, as parents, as friends.  Maybe we have just gone through an unspeakable loss that has simply shaken us to our core and makes us question everything in our lives…even our faith or God’s goodness.  Perhaps we’re dealing with utter loneliness and we feel lost. Maybe we feel that there is an anchor tied around our ankles that keeps us in the pit. Maybe that anchor is fear, guilt, or shame from past experiences. Who knows what that situation is for you, but be sure that the enemy will take advantage of any opportunity to separate you from our great and glorious God!

I am here to tell you that I’ve been the donkey.  I, as Robin said, am one hot mess!  One of the more recent pits was back when I was engaged almost three years ago. To make a very very long story more concise, I discovered that my relationship had become an idol in my life and I disguised it as gratitude to God for sending me the PERFECT man! The one little detail I forgot was that the person I was marrying was simply that – a person…a flawed, broken sinner just like me – nowhere near perfect. One night in my fiancé’s life, the flesh won over the Holy Spirit and this led to my trust and my heart being horribly broken. As he confessed to me painful details and begged for my forgiveness, I heard two voices – one was the enemy telling me, “You aren’t good enough.” “Maybe if you were more fun, this wouldn’t have happened.” “You’ll never fulfill his desires.” The other, more direct and audible voice, however, was that of the Holy Spirit.  This voice only said two things to me, and it repeated these two things over and over. The first was, “Forgive much for I have forgiven much.” The second, “7x70 times.”

God took time to reassure me time and time again throughout the huge valley that was our struggle. His love is that personal! He clearly communicated to me that this relationship WAS His doing. When I was crying out to God to please give me a break and that I was tired from all the trials I’d been through in my life, He went into Father-mode and challenged me – “Have you ever thought that maybe I knew that you were going to need a man strong enough to understand your struggles and constantly pursue you and also that your husband was going to need a woman who has the strength and faith to overcome and forgive?” WOW! I love it when God puts me in my place – He showed me that He has been using all of the events of my life to bring me right where He wants me to be! How amazing is His love? How insane is His redemption? My husband and I are sinners and are so unworthy of the plans He has for us, and yet He chose to use us anyway!!! His Son died for us, knowing we would NEVER be able to earn or deserve it...knowing we would fail!

It has been almost two years since we chose to make our three-part covenant with God in marriage, and while we have had to overcome a LOT more than most newlywed couples, God has consistently poured His love and mercy over us. He has helped me fight those terrible “pit-like” thoughts that the enemy used against me – He brought truth to the lies and has made us stronger than ever before. We would each tell you that, despite it all, we are the most blessed people we know, and it's all because of God's love. I could tell you story after story of how God has blessed us individually and also in our marriage – we both know that He enjoys that we rely on Him and we enjoy that He always has and always will be there for us.  As He says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Guest Blog Post from my friend Melissa Heller-Rector: I Talked With a Man Named Stephen

I Talked With a Man Named Stephen

By: Melissa Heller-Rector

As we approached the large structure, I got increasingly nervous. My thoughts were scattered, but I returned to the overwhelming feeling that we should NOT be at this place. We were in a foreign country, did not speak the language, had no form of protection, and were in danger. When we entered the Men’s Prison in Gulu, Uganda, I could barely breathe. But I followed the rest of the team. Once we were inside the gates, many of our team members suited up to play a game of soccer with the prison team – which is one of the platforms used in Uganda to minister to the people.

Since I hadn’t done anything that athletic in QUITE some time, I decided it might be best for me to just take a seat along the concrete benches surrounding the courtyard and watch the game. But that was not God’s plan. So I stood, alone, and a bit confused. “What am I supposed to do, God?”

Now let me stop here and say that I have SEEN God work in my life many times. I have HEARD from God, clearly, on very few occasions. So, I was a bit surprised when I immediately HEARD from God as I asked that question. I was to take a seat next to one of the prisoners and start talking. Are you kidding me??? A middle-aged, white woman, in a sea of foreign black men, who were in prison for SOMETHING – what crime, I didn’t know…I mean they could have raped and killed a woman like me just last week, and you want me to go and talk to them? This is the question I had for God – and He didn’t give me any other answer.

So – I went and sat.

I talked with a man named Stephen. He had been in prison for four months for a civil crime of taking money from a project he was overseeing. He spoke brilliant English, and knew more about the Bible than I could dream of knowing. In the first few minutes of sitting next to this man, I knew that God had brought me around the world for this very encounter. Even thinking about the 30-minute conversation makes me very emotional.

A little back story: When I was five, I was molested by two men. That event shaped the way I thought about men, sex, approval, acceptance, and love, for a very long time. When I was told at a young age that this sort of attack is okay, that I deserved it, that it is the only way I would be loved – well, it completely destroyed any sense of self-worth I had. This one event led to many years of sexual sin, drug abuse, addiction to alcohol, prostituting myself for drugs, using abortion as a birth control method, and generally seeking approval and acceptance in destructive ways. Admittedly, I have carried a great deal of shame and guilt as a result of my past.

Now back to Stephen. We talked for a while, and then he asked me if I knew the story of John 8. I opened my Bible to the book and chapter, and started to recall the story of the adulteress woman who was brought before Jesus to be judged. God whispered in my ear to be quiet and listen to Stephen recount the story – so I listened. At the end, he asked me a question I had never thought about before. He wanted to know exactly what Jesus had written in the sand when he was talking to the town’s people. I searched the scripture…but couldn't find the answer. Stephen smiled and said, “child, that IS the answer.” I didn't understand.

You see – if it has been important to know what Jesus was writing in the sand, the scripture would spell it out for us. All the researchers who have spent many words debating what He was writing wouldn't have wasted their time. The point here is that the act of Jesus kneeling to write in the sand took the attention away from the woman!!! There she was, likely naked, having been caught “in the act”, completely ashamed, mortified and embarrassed. Everyone around her was asking for Jesus to judge her, as they already had. But instead, Jesus “bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.” He knew this act would divert the crowd’s attention from the woman to what he was “writing” in the sand.

Jesus does this for each of us – he stands in front of our shame, he diverts attention from our sin, and doesn’t judge us. This is the message of The Cross.

Although I had been taught for a long time to “just turn over your guilt and shame to God,” I would turn over my guilt and shame, and then take it back and wallow in it some and then give it over again, and then take it back. God arranged this unique experience for me. He knows that I am broken, and will willingly take the guilt and shame back from Him to wrestle with at night. But He also knew that hearing that story from His Word out of the mouth of a man in prison in Uganda would allow me to completely give over the shame and guilt I have been carrying with me for many, many years. My prayer is that this experience I had will somehow translate into your life; that you can find peace in knowing that Jesus took The Cross so we don’t have to feel like that shamed, five year old girl, or the adulteress woman in John 8. Jesus didn’t judge either of them.