Little Miracle Man: The Cry

The surreal bubble was wearing off.  Even though Elisha had moved that morning the battle for my thoughts was raging.  I could feel fear wanting to suck every bit of hope out of me.  I didn't realize I was going in that direction. In the bubble I could see when the fear was coming and I was aware of how to get away but now, I couldn't see anything clearly.  

I remember talking on the phone with a friend who said, "Robin, what is going to happen next month or when you have to take Elisha home?" I don't know why I was hurt by her question but I was.  I know I was blunt in my response when I said, "I have no clue what's going to happen then.  I really can't even think that far ahead because I only have enough faith for this moment.  Only enough for today."  I felt like I was holding onto the last thread of my faith.   

The nurses would tell us with a brain injury it's not a sprint but a marathon. Really?  A marathon? I felt like I had been in the boxing rink with Mike Tyson just dodging his fists.  I didn't have enough strength to even swing.  Fear was winning in my thoughts and if he was winning in my thoughts then he was winning in my emotions.

More bad news... Elisha's other lung had collapsed.  

I can't do this God.  I can't walk this road.  What are you asking of me?  What does faith look like when at any moment I could be knocked out? I hate this. Why me? Why my baby?  My sweet, little, thoughtful, independent young man.  The other day my baby could tell I was upset and asked me if I needed a hug.  My thoughtful little guy who didn't care if it was cool to play with his five year old sister... he just did it anyway.  My soft-hearted little man who cried watching the Rugrats Movie.  My little guy who was called a "momma's boy" because he loved his momma. 

God!!!  

Why him?

Why me?

I had nothing.  I was quiet.  Nate told me to go back to the hotel room and rest.  He said he would let me know if anything happened.  I obeyed.

I curled up in bed and slept. No thoughts. No dreams. Just sleep.

It was dark outside when I woke up but I was wide awake.  I still felt numb, empty.  I could feel Nate beside me.  When did he get here?  I quietly walked out to the kitchen and sitting area of our room.  I knew what I had to do.  I put my headphones on and turned on my Worship playlist.  I began to cry out to God.  

"God I can't even pray about this situation.  I can't even pray for my little boy.  I just need YOU.  I need YOU.  Please show up for me this morning."  Tears streamed down my face as I talked to God.  "I need YOU, Jesus."  

The song Never Once by Matt Redman began to play in my ears.  More tears.  It was a cleansing cry.  The cry that comes from the deep part of the soul.  The cry of a mother whose baby is hurting.  Letting go of all control. No words would come.  The cry of a daughter curled up in her Dad's lap with His arms wrapped around her allowing her to let it all out. Tears and moans.

I finally whispered, "I need you. Jesus, I need you."  

I reached for my Amplified Bible.  I flipped through the scriptures and landed in 1 Corinthians 1.  My eyes were drawn to verse 19. 

^"19 For it is written, I will baffle and render useless and destroy the learning of the learned and the philosophy of the philosophers and the cleverness of the clever and the discernment of the discerning; I will frustrate and nullify [them] and bring [them] to nothing." 

Did I read that right?  "Baffle."  I had just told the doctors the other day how much I appreciated their medical knowledge but my little boy was going to "baffle" them. It may not have been the scriptural context that verse was meant for but I held onto it as if the Lord spoke those words directly to me about our situation.

God was for me!  One thing I was learning, there are no coincidences with God.  God showed up for me.  He confirmed what I knew all along.  He was going to do something big for my little miracle man.  God alone was going to baffle these doctors!  

I ran into the bedroom and woke up Nate.  I told him what I read.  The words hit him like they had me.  His eyes had tears.  No words.  Just a smile and a bear hug. 

Yesterday every bit of my insecurity, my fear, my worry had ensnared me and pulled me down and here.... right here... my amazing God with one word pulled me out of the arms of fear and right behind the shield of faith!