Little Miracle Man - I Don't Understand the "Why"

We went into the lounge where all of our family and friends were sitting.  I told everyone Elisha had some brain swelling and the leg surgery was going to have to wait until he was more stable.  Then I told everyone the news about Elisha being put into a medically induced coma.  I remember looking at the faces of everyone after I shared what was going on with Elisha.  I could sense the discouragement, fear and empathy, which were normal reactions.  Of course I felt it too but only for a moment.  Nate and I still had the peace we felt earlier which trumped the momentary fear we both felt after hearing the doctors’ decision.  That was when I spoke up and said to everyone, “Now that we know what we are facing it’s time to pull ourselves up into faith and believe our God will heal that little boy."  

Nate and I knew the outcome of the situation based on the peace and the clear answer of healing we both heard.  We knew Elisha would be healed but in the natural, Elisha’s body needed this coma.  The safety of the peace up to that point seemed to not allow us to feel too much but I could tell my emotions were beginning to break through.

The first 36 hours after Elisha’s accident were a blur.  We didn’t have any time to sleep nor do I think I would have been able to sleep.  We were in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at Elisha’s side.  The beeping of the machines became the music we listened to as it directed our emotions.  When the alarms sounded our hearts would race, when the beeps were steady we were calm.  The intensity of the feelings was extreme as I looked at my little boy hooked up to every sort of machine, his eyes closed, dried blood on the side of his face and in his ears… I couldn’t kiss Elisha’s booboos and just hug away the pain.  I had to sit there and wait on the Lord to do His thing.  I had to completely surrender control to Jehovah Rapha, the God that heals.  Easy to say.  How do you surrender your own child?  How do you let go of trying to "fix" when the "fix" could only be a supernatural one? 

 

Tuesday morning I was expecting and hoping to hear some sort of good news.  We had gone to grab some coffee and breakfast.  When we got back to the room the neurosurgeon was standing outside of Elisha's room.  He had a concerned look on his face.  He then said the brain swelling was becoming way too much and Elisha would have to have the front portion of his skull removed to give the brain room to swell.  

What?! I was confused.  Why in the world would Elisha have to go through this surgery?  

I just didn’t understand.  God told us and gave us a supernatural peace about Elisha’s healing.  Wasn’t Elisha supposed to be up by now?   

I grabbed the wall as Nate and I stood outside of Elisha’s PICU room talking with the doctors and I began to fall and cry.  Someone grabbed a chair to put behind me as I fell backwards.  Seriously?  Elisha’s skull had to be removed??!! Nothing seemed to make sense. What was happening?

At that point, they had to get him ready for surgery.  Our praying nurse knew we wanted to pray over Elisha before he went into surgery.  She literally yelled for everyone in the room to be quiet so Nate and I could lay hands on our little man and pray for him.  That nurse would always join with us in prayer every time she was around to pray with us.  She was amazing and we were so blessed she was with us and Elisha! When we finished praying they rolled Elisha down to surgery.  Nate and I walked out into the hallway in front of the family lounge.  I dropped to the tiled hospital floor and began crying.  Nate started calling all of our family and friends to get everyone to start praying.  I closed my eyes and cried out to the Lord.  Questioning Him and His plan.  I had to pull myself back into the arms of God and rest in the confidence He had given me.  

I heard the PICU doors open and I looked up to see a Latin American gentleman walking out.  He looked right at me and kept walking towards me.  I wiped the tears off my face and stood up to meet him.  He had tears in his eyes and when he reached me he said with a Spanish accent, “My son is dead.”  I was shocked and broken for him.  Nate had gotten off of the phone and walked up to us right as the gentleman was telling me what happened to his son.  I didn’t have words but we did have common ground… His son was hit by a car the Friday before Elisha’s accident.  Two families who understood the emotional pain of watching our babies suffer.  Two families whose little boys were both hit by cars the very same weekend.  We all hugged each other and then I finally said, “I don’t understand the "why?"  I just know God is faithful.”  I remember Nate leaning in to pray for him.  His words seemed comforting and hopeful.  Selfishly, in that moment I was able to take my mind off my situation and get out of my emotions.  I had just been overwhelmed with confusion and doubt.  Asking God why? Then God brought someone else into our lives who needed to feel the love of God.  It was our moment to be Jesus even though we didn't feel like it.  This dad needed to see a God who understands the grief when the unfathomable happens to our children.  God chose us to be the vessel of His love.  I was humbled. 

After he walked away Nate and I hugged.  We went into the family lounge and I put my headphones on and listened to praise and worship.  I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I attempted to lay my head down and close my eyes as I allowed the music to wash my mind of all the overwhelming news we had heard.  God had spoken to us about Elisha.  I knew He had.  My heart was broken for the little boy who had just lost his life and for the father we just spoke with.  I started praying to myself, “God I don’t understand I just know You are faithful to Your Word! Thank you for the peace you have given me and Nate.  Thank you honoring the Word of God I have spoken over my children.  Thank you Lord that You are mighty and powerful.  Thank you Jesus for every stripe you bore on your back for Elisha’s healing.  I stand in You.  I hide in You.  You are God!  I believe you!  Your Word is truth!  You are TRUTH!”  The song “Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger” came on my headphones.  What a promise!  What timing!  God was gracious to give me that song in that moment.  He knew I needed to hear it.  I wrote in my journal that day, “Elisha is a miracle! I believe God will give our city and Josh (my other son) a miracle!”