How in the world could we go from planning a family fun night to hearing the words, "Your child was hit by a car"? It makes no sense. How does life change in a matter of minutes? How does joy turn to grief so quickly?
I'm not supposed to be waking up everyday thinking about feeding tubes, wheelchairs, leg braces, and therapy. I'm supposed to be sitting around the breakfast table talking with my family about what we are doing after school. Is there lacrosse practice? What time do piano lessons start?
A simpler life. An easier life.
God could hear my thoughts and see my tears. I know He did. I know I'm not alone in this. I know that to my core. But... I miss my little boy's voice. I want to hear him say to me, "Mom, I'm hungry." Instead I have to pour his Kids Essentials into his feeding bag and set the machine to feed him. I have to remember to give him his medicine every morning. I need to make sure he is getting enough water throughout the day because he can't say to me, "Momma, I'm thirsty."
Is that fair?
This is what our life is like.
I cried several tears and then I heard my little miracle in the other room giggling at something he was watching on TV. His laugh made me smile. I walked up to his chair and said, "Do you love momma?" He turned his face toward me and smiled a smile that I could see in his eyes. He opened his mouth to try to say something and a soft sound came out. I said back to him, "I love you too, baby."
I forgot in a moment all of God's promises. I forgot in a moment the transformation that has taken place in my little miracle man. I forgot his joy. I forgot how he has baffled science with his healing. I forgot God's goodness. I forgot the laughter we had as a family as we sang, "Shake it, don't break it, it took your momma nine months to make it." Our miracle couldn't breath he was laughing so hard as I danced around the room.
The moments are going to happen. The tears are going to come. The grief and the questions are going to rise up.
Then the most amazing thing happens...
The Holy Spirit whispers tenderly, "Come to me. Rest in me. Find joy in me." Love wraps itself around the grief and hope comes.
Life is unfair. It is. It's uncomfortable. It hurts at times. However, the unfairness and challenges are there to push us to a place of surrender. A place where we have to let go of the control, the questions, and just curl up in the arms of an amazing Heavenly Father who loves us beyond our understanding. Who saturates us with peace and fills us with incomprehensible joy. He gives us the grace to stand when we can't stand anymore.
This is an extraordinarily unfair, challenging, amazing life.
